


Get Your Bandit On

by slotumn



Series: Sex Bandit Chronicles [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Multi, Orgy, Other, Role Reversal, Sexual Humor, Why Did I Write This?, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:28:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24230572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn
Summary: Prompt: "Inspired by the above prompt. This time, it's post-TS, and the beefy, leveled-up characters (of your choice) capture those darn sex bandits and force THEM to bang. Any combination kinks, however outlandish you want. Just get your bandit on."Might be a sequel to Fake-Out. I don't fucking know.
Relationships: Lysithea von Ordelia & Claude von Riegan, Lysithea von Ordelia/Claude von Riegan (background)
Series: Sex Bandit Chronicles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748956
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	Get Your Bandit On

**Author's Note:**

> Done for a [kink meme](https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/476.html?style=site&thread=696540). It's 4AM here and I'm uploading this. Just take it.

"My, my, would you look at that-- the rude blue-balling bandits, all laid out for me to take revenge on," Lysithea mused, looking down on the gang of bandits knocked down on the ground. "You remember us, don't you?"

"N-no, ma'am, we don't," one of the lowlives squeaked out. 

She frowned and tapped her feet.

"You know, the one you falsely accused of being a virgin before making us have sex? And then a battle broke out?"

"That could have been a lot of people, ma'am."

Next to her, Claude tried to hold back his laughter as she sighed, already exasperated.

\---

"Okay, so basically, we're going to force you guys to fuck," Claude explained, drawing a diagram on the cave wall that looked roughly like a penis and an anal orifice with the labels "sex bandit dick" and "sex bandit asshole."

"...Why would you do that?"

A murmured chorus of "Yeah, why?" resounded across the cave. For a moment, Lysithea wondered if she was in the middle of some practical joke, because surely, not even lowlife bandits could be that dumb, right? 

"It's called retribution," she flatly explained. "You're getting taste of your own medicine. That's fair, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, but..."

The guy who appeared to be the leader (she didn't bother asking to confirm it because she didn't give enough shits) looked around at the rest of the scraggle.

"...we're all fucking ugly, ma'am."

"It's rude to call your comrades 'fucking ugly,'" she pointed out, although she didn't disagree.

"We have eyes, ma'am," some guy replied. "Except for that one dude over there, who got his eyeballs ripped out in a freak beast attack."

"Yeah, there's a reason why we force our captives to fuck each other instead of fucking them ourselves, you know. It's not very sexy when ugly bastards get involved in the picture."

That was difficult to argue against. 

"Have you tried...I don't know, bringing more attractive people into your lot?" she asked, unsure as to why she was trying to help troubleshoot a bunch of bandits' ugliness problem.

"We have! But sooner or later," the presumed-boss sighed, "they all get scouted by some bigshots and leave us."

"There was actually this one purple twink who used to roll with us-- he got more dick and pussy than all of us combined. One day, he sucked all our dicks, called us gay, and left for a bigger gang while we cried."

She glanced at Claude.

"They're talking about Yuri, aren't they."

"Yep, that's definitely Yuri."

Clearing her throat, Lysithea put her hands on her hips.

"Well, regardless of how titillating, or not titillating an orgy amongst all of you would be, it's still going to be happening, because--"

"Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and even if nobody finds us attractive, we still deserve things like physical intimacy and pleasure as human beings?"

"No, it's because she bought this," Claude took out a barrel full of lubricant oil from the large sack he was holding, "with the money she could have used to buy cake, for this specific occasion, and if you don't do as she says..."

On cue, she blew a hole through the cave ceiling with Abraxas. Debris fell to the floor, some of it hitting and flattening the bandits' dicks.

"...what just happened to the cave ceiling is going to happen to all of your anuses," she finished.

"..."

Nobody moved, until Claude put the barrel down, clapped his hands together, and announced,

"Well, now that's been cleared up-- time to get your bandit on!"

\---  
\---

Later that week, Byleth noticed something unusual while she was visiting the Battalion Guild with some of her students. 

"...Since when did we have a battalion called 'Sex Bandits?'"

"Well, we do get people from all walks of life around here," Claude nonchalantly replied, as if that explained anything. 

"I do think they could have chosen a better name," Lysithea added.

"Maybe it's supposed to be ironic," Yuri yawned, "because I can't imagine anyone in a group called "Sex Bandits" actually getting laid."

The professor glanced at the document one last time before flipping to the next page. 

"Yeah, probably not."

~~~

_Sex Bandits_  
_Unit Type: Infantry_  
_Level: D_  
_Endurance: 69_  
_Gambit: Come Shot (Forces two enemies into the same area and makes them engage in sexual intercourse. Effective against virgins. Range: 2)_

**Author's Note:**

> [My twitter](https://twitter.com/slotumn?s=09)  
>   
> That's right, they weaponized the sex bandits after making them bang.
> 
> I'm not going to promote LysiClaude week here because there's barely any actual LysiClaude content in the fic but like. Can someone else also start writing for this pairing so that I don't fill the tag with...whatever this is.


End file.
